Navi

If you ever step on my patch.....I'll bring you down.....I'll bring you down...

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:23:13 GMT

It snowed today...and it's so cold without the heat on...

So I called out of work..lit about 27 candles..and covered myself with blankets and Gib and Toby...it's not so bad...and plan on playing LittleBigPlanet and Fallout 3 allll day :P

Kyle's at work so Im really lonely...I miss my nonexistent friends...

You only ever had her when you were a fever

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:24:17 GMT

I AM A FEVER

Again with the emptiness...I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone...
I havent spoken to my family since my last visit...my sister has turned everyone against me and I don't know why...
Im so tired...tired of everything....trying...
I don't know anymore..

I still don't have a new camera yet...I have like 200 dollars saved up for the one I want...but Im still 2699 short...and I cant make anymore money until i have my new camera..........so fuck me..

Where am I going? I don't see this well in the dusk of night...

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:12:25 GMT

I haven't posted in awhile...maybe since I switched to paper journals...but I had to leave one behind (by mistake) in North Carolina...it still bothers me that one of my journals is gone...I feel like I lost the part of my memory that that journal had...

Life is a whirlwind now. Im living in Minnesota with my boyfriend Kyle, I hate it...We're so far from our family in Connecticut....not to mention how cold it is here...I hate it...
We're here in connecticut till tomorrow.. we've been visiting for the past two weeks for my cousin's wedding. We looked at some new apartments, but everything is really expensive for not very much...I found a place that I adore, but Kyle disagrees...we often disagree...

Things are tough...Im 22, and Im afraid of everything... I don't know what to do...because I feel so hopeless....I dont know what I enjoy, I dont know what I want out of life...I just feel so empty..Im afraid all the time...of the dark...of someone trying to hurt me...of loss...of something happening to my family...of failure..of not being good enough... I fear people...I don't trust anyone..and I am tortured by these thoughts, plagued with nightmares...

I know what I dont want...where I don't want to live...what I don't want to do...who I don't want to be...I just wish I knew what I wanted...I feel like im in this huge field...a field aligned with paths...good paths...bad paths... but its foggy...and the signs are intelligible...Im so lost...

I hate being afraid...I wish I could count on Kyle more...but I just can't... he's different, from anyone else I've ever been with...there's times where I am crazy about him...and there's times where I feel like we are just friends...I just wish he was more passionate...more romantic...I wish he would fight for us...for our future if there is one...

Every bit of my life is foggy..I feel as though I may wander forever...

One more look and I forget everything....here we go again...

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 03:07:11 GMT

Sooo...this weekend I went to Topsmead so I could get some shots for photo class....It's such a peaceful place...theres a beautiful english cottage on this estate turned into a park. Not many people seem to know it exisits...so it's a great place to get in a lot of work..and it was such a gorgeous day... and I got some really great photos... I cant wait to develope them tomorrow...

So sell me something..or I'm jumping..Everyone has a price... sometimes I have two...

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:15:08 GMT

I am so happy lately!!! Everything is going really well... well...most of everything..but I cant complain... I just feel so happy..

The weather has been a dream..and I've been walking Kimo a lot...

Work is fantastic... really getting along with my co-workers..class is...well...okay... I have to skip sometimes so I have enough gas to go to work.. gas is so expensive.. so my grades arent where i want them..and i have to buy another english book because Kimo ripped it up!!! Ugh...puppies..

In 13 hours they'll be hanging flowers on my grave

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 22:25:58 GMT

UTA was a lot of fun... all the guys in the shop pick on me, call me A1C Hobbit.. hahaa...my CDCs are late again but that wont hurt my chances for Senior Airman...Im also going to put together a packet for the Air Force Academy and become an officer. I dont really like the idea of going to the academy...it was really up to my shop chief (I think he just wants to boast about me...) I much rather go ROTC...which in the end Im most likely going to do... but it will be another three years before I'll be a lieutenant. Im considering becoming a Pilot..(again my chief wants this more then me :( ) but I rather do something a little closer to my work field. And definitely not an eventual commander!!!!!! I dont want to bitch a people... and no behind that desk!!!!

vrooommm

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 11:16:54 GMT

Oh my god.

Yeah. Busy.

But, work is going pretty well... people that come to the restuarnt arent so bitchy anymore..which is weird because it's getting cooler out and summer's pretty much over. Go figure Avon.

School..god Im so behind from missing just three days last week.. Yet I did really well on tests this week.. hmmm.

Anyways...Im thinking I want to take a motorcycle class with some of my friends.. I want my license! And maybe eventually save up to buy me a little black suzuki?

Shipping up to Boston again this week!!! Hopefully it wont be so fucking cold this time!

Busy Busy Bee....

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 18:03:37 GMT

Ok.. So this week all I've finnished the plot to my novel...thats all I had time for! Between work and going out...I havent had substantial time to sit down and write!
This weekend is my Westover weekend.. while Im driving up to Springfield early today and check in..I hope I can find a quiet Starbucks to put in some pen and paper time.
Im excited about my novel and I think my goal, as of right now, of publishing in about five years is probable..

Work is picking up some..and I've been getting so many compliments on my new hair cut...it hasnt been this short for like...seven years!!! I love it..

I cant wait to get back into the rock gym..my father and I are thinking about doing some outdoor rock climbing for a change this fall.. I really want to scale something big..but we're forced to start off with small cliffs.. Im itching to get back to rock climbing..it's been two years since I last went and I need to get back into rock climbing shape...so hopefully by the time school starts I can work in gym, work and writting into a thick schedule..

Also coming up is Natalie's falconer picnic..I cant wait..Im going to ask to do some photo shoots with some of the flaconers.. It should be fun...Then we're going to boston for a red soxs game on the 11th of september... yay!

And I have sins Lord, but not today...cause they're gonna wash away.

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 14:09:06 GMT

And I have friends lord, but not today..cause they done washed away...And Oh..I've been cryin, but no more cryin here....

Getting it Back

Okay..so my life is slowly..very slowly getting on some directed path!
Work is going really well and I make a significant more amount in tips then I did at Applebees in North Carolina! Maybe because I get more men then cranky old ladies.. hmmm...

So I had to enroll in this..debt support thing.. Where they pay your creditors and then you pay them at a much lower no interest rate. So My debt is now under control..go me! Now maybe I can finally fix the bug...but I truly doubt I'll be able to afford a newer car anytime soon..
Im saving up money so I can eventually get an apartment elsewhere.. Hopefully I'll be out of Connecticut in due time..

Going to NC again soon with Rin! That should be fun.. I think me and him will get a room on base..seeing as it will be much cheeper and I can visit all my friends that I miss so very much!

I had this dream about Noah last night. We were vacationing in the Keys.. where I want to go so bad... and we kept having problems with the car and the people down there..but Dream Noah was so sweet about it all.. very unlike how the actual Noah would have been.. I seem to dream about him a lot.. havent talked to him in awhile.. Hope he's okay..I miss him..

I have yet to find a tattoo shop around here..I want to get some more jewelry for my stomach that has to be custom made.. and I want to get my sparrows touched up a bit..

Yeah...about that...

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 15:16:29 GMT

*Blows dust off of abandoned journal* Sheeshh...I haven't written in so freakin long...
Okay..So UPDATE!
Back in CT...North Carolina didnt go over so well.. but I gots to go back for a court date because I got into an accident down there...some old lady hit my bug, but it's all fixed and pretty again.
Noah is still in Iraq and is still mean to me... maybe I should just let go and move on...
I got a tattooo!!! I have two sparrows on my pelivs, that need to be touched up when I go back to NC...I also have an aray of new piercings.. Also may just get the corrset piercing in NC too? maybe..I dunno yet..
Umm..jesus..thats pretty much it..
Well then..
Hopefully I'll be writting more frequently...

What's wrong baby? Don't they treat you like they should?

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 20:29:44 GMT

Noah is getting deployed to Iraq on wed.
He's been pushing me away and alienating me from his life..while putting me down in the process... So I feel like complete shit lately...
Yet, just last night he was all sweet and nice to me..and I just let everything go at the moment even though Im still really hurt. He explains that he's been acting this way because he's nervous about the deployment...Im trying so hard to understand and support him, but I feel so abandoned...
So Im not sure if he reads my journal anymore.. but I really think Im going to distant myself from him when he leaves.. I just dont want to be hurt and I dont want him to worry about me too much. But god I know that he'll be fine over there and I have a lot of confidence in him...I just wish he'd let me in....

On that note..I am moving to North Carolina to live with my best Air Force buddy...and she's gonna help me establish my own life since I've given up so much for Noah and the marriage...

Such a petty picture that you paint, Im so vile while your a saint.

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 19:30:53 GMT

Up here in North New York at Fort Drum. It's so borring. Noah and I finally got a house..it's so much nicer then the one we had at Hill in Utah. Yet again we are broke so the house is empty...really empty.
Trying to get a job up here...there really isn't too much to..apply at.
We went to Canada around the are of Kingston on New Years Day. That was so much fun! Canada seems like a really nice country if you make it over the border and get through the confusion of thinking Kilometers are Miles and realize that their money is worth less then the US dollar... But the drinking age is alas...19!!!! I was so giddy about this..I accedently tipped over our dish of Chips and salsa at the restaurant we ate at...all over the floor..so embarrassing! Their alcohol is a higher proof then here...strange.. We met some really nice people..like really nice. This one guy helped us get back to our hotel. I was afraid he was going to mug us or something, but he just wanted to help!
I have a pet Rat... his name is Copli and he's so sweet... Noah doesnt like him too much and he keeps feeding him poptarts.
Hopefully going back to CT this weekend to get some furniture and stuff...

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 02:46:51 GMT

Relations Creation Incarceration Determination Equation Humiliation Reincarnation Situation Elation Identification Retaliation Education Inspiration Substitution
Non-inclusion Drug infusion Mass confusion Illusion Solution Conclusion

Aggravation.
I really want to get this tattoo on my back. Angel Wings on each shoulder blade, but I cannot find a drawing/design to base it off of. I want something elegant, sketchy, and not tribal! Like Derek Hess style? I'd love that. I don't want them too big, maybe just the size of my hand? Searching through other people's tattoos of angel wings seem very realistic and detailed...not what I'm going for...
Oh well.
Work is going pretty good. For those who didn't know, I got the sales associate job at Express in Avon. While some of their clothes are so pretty...others are well.. would look better on a large fire.
Natalie is almost done with the Mew! I'm so excited. November, she should get her hawk..I can't wait..She's starting to get me back into wanting to be a falconer.. since I gave her the idea years ago, so our father could get rid of the birds that eat all the blueberries on the farm. Yet, I need to get my hunting license in order to be able to get a falconry license..So I'll probably do that come spring? Not sure yet.

Pack up, don't stray....they don't love you like I love you......

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 02:56:17 GMT

So...I'm not going to Alaska...heart breaking, gosh I know! But I am going to Ft. Drum, which is in Northern New York...it's cold there too and it's also near Canananadaaa.. but I'm excited..looking around at schools and such to go to...I'll only be 6hrs from home..so I can come back on long weekends and stuff..cool huh? I'll be leaving in January...

Hmm... Noah comes home in December...so I've be trying to plan little romantic gettaways...cause we need them. So far I've come up with Newport/Providence, RI (you know..to see the mansions all lit up..they offer Tea party events there too..I thought that was neat) Block Island, RI (but Im not too sure yet if the ferry runs in December..but they have the cutest victorian bed and breakfasts!) Boston/Cambridge, MA (I love and miss going to Boston..we were supposed to go last year)

Any other ideas???

Well I rather laugh with the sinners then cry with the saints...the sinners are much more fun..

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 23:59:22 GMT

So, Im back home. Finally. It's good to be home...sorta. My sister isn't talking to me and my father complains about me everyday...home sweet home.

Received some letters from Noah! Exciting. He seems to be doing okay...and I will too after he get's his orders.. these orders are for where he will be stationed after he's done with his training..and he's been mentioning Alaska a lot...so Im scared! It's cold in Alaska..and dark...and then really bright...all the time...I don't want to go to Alaska!!!
He sent me a picture of him in his camo...he's so cute! He looks really young and I haven't seen him with a clean face since camp! I miss his gotee, but he looks really sexy... rawr! Can't wait to see him in his Army greens...I don't think those will be on him too long... XD XD XD

So I've been trying to get a job here in CT...since I wont be leaving till January I think... (please not to Alaska!!!) Which has been an interesting ordeal....and might take longer then I wish it would. Oh well...

I want to learn how to play the violin...yes, this is a new desire I have...and Im really anxious to get a job so I can get a really nice one.. I think I can teach myself right? It cant be that hard....

Dancing at the edge of the Earth....

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 06:39:24 GMT

Oh god, Could it be the weather?
Oh god, Why am I here?

So...Finally made it to Las Cruces...after breaking down, spending over $200 ($100 of it on a new battery) and passing Las Cruces and driving into Texas...
But, Oh my god. This drive was amazing! Like gorgeous, the mountains...the gorges and canyons.. There was a point where I was driving through the bottom of Utah, I felt like I was at the edge of the earth...the cracks in the ground, it was breathtaking!
And of course I stopped at four corners. That was pretty cool!
And the lightning storm at Truth of Consequence...
But, the way I felt..I haven't been so happy and carefree in so long... regardless of the car...I felt wonderful.. Could it be the weather?

When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?
Cause things are gonna change so fast...

Now if I could just speak to Noah...things would be complete...I'll be complete...I don't want this feeling to go away.

Oh how I wish for soothing rain...

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 21:04:37 GMT

What do you do when everyday, something happens to make that day worst then the last? And everyday is the worst day of your life?

I broke my bug yesterday!!!! Whhaa!!! I checked the oil, nothing was showing up on the dipstick and the way the dipstick is step up is that there is two marks, a red mark about 3inches from the end and a yellow mark 5inches up from the red one...so logically I figured the oil mark should be between there...so I added oil until the residue showed my oil level a bit above the red mark...then I drove my car around, and one block from my house...chaos broke loose!!! My buggy died! Turns out that theres a little notch below the red mark...and it actually has some importance, that's were you gauge the oil!!!! I over serviced my car with oil...bad..at the least blew my catalytic converter!!!

I called a friend and we pushed it back to my house... drained the oil... and jump started it...nothing happened...I cried. Called my supervisor (my old one, not the mean cranky one..) and he gave me a ride to work and durning lunch he and another Sgt looked at my car..they jump started it again, got it running but there was a whole lot of white smoke comming out the back...ugh!!! They said I might have a misfiring cylinder, busted my oil ring.. or....blew my engine out... (the last one would render my car useless..and unsellable..and cost around $5,000 or more to fix..) But I drove it back to work, embarrassing due to the smoke.. and magically...the check engine light goes out...and the car is actually driving better then it was before...holy hell...

Holy fucking hell....my car is fine...

Last night I was on my last thread...my car was broke, couldn't afford to fix it, don't have time to fix it...in a few days I'll be homeless and unemployed...so yeah...I about had it!

Anyways, on the 18th..I'm driving down to Las Cruces to stay with my mum for X amount of days, then we're going to drive back to CT... the drive from here to the bottom of New Mexico is about 14hrs...think I can do it without breaking down or stopping??? We'll see...

Just another day at the Mobility Office...

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 21:06:20 GMT

At work...avoiding work.
My supervisor has me typing up questions for the AGE CDC's...which include five volumes. Im on question 195, about 305 left to go..I started this 'project' on Monday... I'm taking my time, it sucks...
A co-worker a desk over from me is playing a strange computer game... It's of what appears to be a cat...on a bench of somesort and it looks like you have to keep this ball from touching the ground, by means of bouncing it off the cat's head... This is so hilarious. I mean, my co-worker, he's a burly built Senior Airman (Staff Sargent select) and here he is playing this...little girlish game. I'm trying so hard not to laugh.
Anyways...Out-processing from here is rather stressful..but it looks like I have to drive back home.. yet I should be home by the end of the month...can't wait to see my friends!!! I have so much to get done at home..and I'll probably only be home till the end of September or so... but I should be back by Christmas...
I better get back to work...
Holy crap!!! I think the cat missed the ball!!

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 01:54:02 GMT

So, here we go again.

Noah leaves for Army basic training in less then fifteen days. Im sad of course, I was hoping he'd switch to the Air Force and we'd have more time to be together..But he wants this...and who am I to stop him? I am damn proud of him..he has a dream and he's chasing it, can't even say that about myself. I realize this now after weeks and weeks of presuring him.
I also realize another thing...but not for the first time; this isn't for me...Utah isn't for me. So, I hope to go back home soon. And while I refuse to believe I'm quiting...I'm switching to the Air Force Reserves...I want to go to school full time...and I'll be able to pick a new job (which means going back to texas to get retrained...lovely...) and...I can go almost anywhere Noah goes. I want that. Yet, I want to go to school for Marine Biology...so Im limited to the coasts for school. I also want an interesting and exciting military job, but those can be limited and I might only be able to go to certain bases. And....Noah's job in the army will have him deployed for up to a year.
So...what to do.
My plan is (so far) as follows; go back home the end of July or beginning of August. Get a part time job..help my dad at the farm..go back to dreadful texas to retrain...take some classes to finnish my Aerospace Engineering Associates Degree...look for colleges to attend the next coming fall of 07. Go live with Noah where ever he gets based when he's done with his training.
That gets me by a year..I think..
This will be tough...but I'm driven...and determined to make everything work..but I'm scared..everything is so...not certain...what if I dont get into the college I want? What if something happens to Noah..what if...

But this is what I have to do... for myself..if anything. and I guess...if worst comes to worse...I'll go back to Active duty...which I hope I wont ever...

Think of me.

Can't resist the day...

Sat, 20 May 2006 00:57:13 GMT

All of a sudden, Texas was gone... and home is fading..a new journey lies ahead.

Well it is decided, I'm driving to Utah with Noah...in a black beetle... how bizarre?!

Im home...for now, I leave tomorrow!! It should only take four days to get to Ogden...but there's also my short attention span and sense of adventure to consider... I want to see a lot of the country on this trip, yet, my route threatens a sparse chance for changes....so...it's gotta be on the way. A kind of "on the side of the highway" spot.

Hopefully, Noah and I can spare each other on the fighting...and Hopefully my wallet can afford the sharp stab of gas prices.. hotel fees...and food allowances.. but who needs food??

Im so excited! The farthest I've ever driven was to the Shoreline with a friend.. but also sad to leave..and nervous about what might happen...

No more negative thinking around me...I dont want to live my life that way..

So on that note.. check out what the Air Force is all about eh?
Air Force Cadet

Just another long walk home in the rain..

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 23:20:05 GMT

It's raining. It hardly ever rains. It was 103F the other day...now it's cold and wet... I hate Texas.
Yes, Im still in Texas...I still don't have my orders, but I dont still have my green rope...it's yellow! Which pours out more stress on my already full plate. I hate dealing with everyone else's crap.
And I hate who Im becoming. This place is distroying me. I need to run away...but I can't, I have no choice but to pull myself togehter dispite how utterly broken I feel.
I miss home..and I miss my family. I miss Noah..and my friends...
Other then that..not much is different.
I dont have CQ this weekend!!!

Here I am, once again, Im torn into pieces; can't deny it can't pretend..

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 22:14:40 GMT

With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept...

I can't believe I've had a chance to use the computer so much lately..and that goes without saying that I waited 2hrs and 40mins for this one...

Bought a Bridal magazine today...in one of those 'girlish' moods.. regardless of the fact that Noah and I's relationship is diwndeling apon a rather thin thread.. today, even today; being so rainy and depressing, I have hope. Running all the thoughts and plans through my head...I have hope. No matter how bad I seem to mess up...he comes back to me, and I to him. I have hope because I have the strongest feeling with no doubt we belong together; but...is it possible to feel so strongly for him..but so.."ify" about our relationship? How can the two be so different?

And so it continues..wondering who will break first. I have come this far...with only a few scratches.. to give up. Is it possible to be so happy with him when Im so miserrable with our relationship... See! that's the problem...our relationship...the lack of affection and attention it gets as of late!

I seem to not make too much sense, perhaps its the 2hrs and 40mins I've waited for this time... when it comes I have no clue what to do with it...

Oh..I hope he'll consider wearing his Army greens rather then a tux for the wedding. Whenever that wedding comes.. or rather..when that wedding comes.

Have you ever felt low? Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 01:27:13 GMT

It's been awhile..

Im a rope now! whoo! (green rope; should be yellow...grr..) Basically I just march flights around as Flight Commander and correct (supposed to yell, but I cannot be mean) airman when they're doing something wrong..it's an interesting position.

Been a mess lately. School is so demanding...and so is trying to keep up with family and friends back home.. I miss home.

Been so confused lately... Have you ever felt so sure about something..or someone, but so unsure at the same time? Have you ever felt such a desire, such a need to make someone happy; but you let them down and hurt them all the same?

Don't know how to feel... I love Noah so much...but it's like I cant make him understand... Our relationship can be so wonderful.. but so broken at the same time. Is it me?

So in the end...I'll be what I will be...

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 21:46:16 GMT

Wonderful, another glorious weekend here at Sheppard Air Force Base, and now for the weather...

It's so cold here. And it's Texas...I hate Texas.

Im on Day Shift again... my class got switched since there is no instructor CAT III for Nights. Days suck, there's no time to do anything. Oh and my new instructor? He is an ass...something is seriously wrong with him. He hates everything, everyone, and especialy he hates me. Oh well...

I hate this place.

Anyways. Im getting married, can you imagine?

I can't wait to get to Hill, just to get out of here.

...this is life, as we know it..

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 18:36:56 GMT

I'm back at Sheppard once again after an extended leave! My flight was cancelled after I was in the airport for six hours on the third of January, when I was supposed to return. Oh well.. I rebooked my flight for the next day and didn't run into anymore problems..nor did I get pronounced AWOL or anything! No fun...
School is going pretty well.. We're working on diesel engines for a little while..I can't remember what we plan to do next. Im starting to get used to night shift and there's still only two other girls in my hallway. Im actually thinking about getting a rope too, but you have to go through an airman leader course..and blah blah.. but I'll get to boss other airman around and maybe after I graduate get Senior Airman below the Zone.. Oh well..just an idea.
Oh! and did I mention I have my assignment for after Tech School already? Remember how I wanted England? Like really wanted England? I got Utah instead... I picked all east coast and overseas assignments and somehow I got stuck with Utah! But I shouldn't complain seeing how other airman in my class recieved assignments to Alaska. right. Could you imagine? I also hear that Utah isn't all that bad...and it's not like I have a choice so I might as well try to enjoy it.
I miss home more then before now.. but I guess it's not so bad... just being here is bad..